12 july, 2000
the best post office box ever
A couple of weeks ago, I posted my adventures in one of Richmond's local Christian bookstores, and reviewed a few souvenirs I picked up while there. Later that very same afternoon, I checked my post office box for any Den mail, and received something that assured me that God totally digs my site. Onward, Christian soldiers! I can now order all of your "essential resources for worship and witness."
That's right, brothers and sisters. The Lioness Den's PO Box last belonged to a local Baptist church, and I'm getting all of their junk mail. My life totally rules!
I am now the proud owner of one Cokesbury catalog for the 2000-2001 church season. On the contents page, President Neil Alexander hopes I "enjoy using this catalog as much as they have enjoyed creating it". Dude, will I. This blows Lifeway Christian Bookstore out of the water. The prices are lower, the selection is greater, and I can even get the Genesis to Malachi Sunday School books in KOREAN! My coffeetable selections are going to be so cool.
Keeping in mind that I live in a house o' kitch, I was first drawn to the section, "Flags, Banners, and Furnishings". From banners to pews to plaques, we now have one-stop shopping for all of our home decorative needs. For starters, the engravable presentation plaque is not only eye-catching, but classy. There's nothing like a bronze pair of praying hands and the personally-etched message, No Smoking -- God Said So to warmly welcome visitors into my home. I've also got my eye on a reasonably-priced oak veneer attendance register, but there's usually only one of me here. That would get boring pretty quick.
For festive occasions, no one wants an unsightly keg taking up valuable space in their kitchen or dining room. Cokesbury has a solution for that, too. It's big. It's got plenty of storage space. It's the always-versatile baptismal font! Put your party punch in the top bowl, then discreetly place the keg in the convenient swing-door compartment below. Refreshments are served!
The best part of the Cokesbury catalog, however, is the clothing section. One word, everyone: HALLOWEEN. We've got your robes, your stoles, and your shirts (though I must say, that blue denim clergy shirt with the neck tab --- it's church, not a hoedown, Father Jed.) Here's what slays me about the vestment models, though: they're posing like those JCrew yacht people. Hands-in-pockets, laughing, and having imaginary conversations while looking into the distance. Why not a few evangelical shots of a sweaty preacher, jumping around and laying his hands on foreheads? Most of these people look like they're on their way to the parish spaghetti supper, not Sunday service. You're wearing church garb. Pretend like you're doing something holy.
As with my little trip to Lifeway, I was sure to check out the communion supplies. And again, they've outdone the store. Cokesbury catalog has dishes, too. Nice ones. Earthenware chalices add a special touch to dinnertime, as does a shiny brass offering bowl. It holds chips. . .and tips. Great fun at parties.
The only problem I foresee with actually getting my hands on this stuff is the same one I had at Lifeway. Because church representatives generally buy this stuff, it's tax-free (another super-cool bonus). I got a little creeped out at Lifeway, though, because the guy kept asking me a bunch of questions. What church am I with, would I like to put this on the parish account, say hi to Pastor Bob and the kids, etc.
The mail-order situation looks a lot more promising, though. Give a customer service rep your credit card number, and they'll do anything. I'm also going to look into some exciting new modeling opportunites. Perhaps me and my sister could pose for a few evangelical action shots, one alternately saving the other in our stylish, durable, sweat-resistant new vestments.
Cokesbury
800.672.1789
www.cokesbury.com