5 july, 2000
the great pie crusade
One of my favorite foods as a kid was the McDonald’s Cherry Pie. It came in the fun little elliptical-shaped box, and was usually hot enough to hurt yourself with. Remember several years ago when the lady sued McDonalds and won over a lapful of hot coffee? She would not have lived through a bite of this pie. Spill one of those on your lap, and you become a Stupid Lady Flambe.
Anyway, if you will remember, the pies used to be deep fried. There was nothing like them. Arbys couldn’t come close with their little faux turnover thingies, though they made an admirable effort at desserty deliciousness. Nope, no one could beat McDonalds for a hot, greasy, goopy, unhealthy after-dinner snack. They totally rocked my ten-year-old world.
So this weekend on the way down to North Carolina, I stopped at McDonalds for a snack. I had spotted a big sign advertising two pies for one dollar, which was definitely the deal of the weekend. This particular restaurant didn’t have any cherry pies, but apple would do. Nothing like reliving a childhood memory to start the weekend off right.
Get your wallet, honey. Momma’s gettin’ some fried pie.
So I lay down a buck, get my pies, and am on my way. I was a little disappointed at first, because the packaging had changed. It was square. And it didn’t give me a third-degree burn when I held it. Something was definitely wrong. As I looked closer, I realized the problem. This was not the slippery, dangerous tart of my childhood. In my eyes, it may as well have been the Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse.
McDonalds pies are now baked! (Insert horror music here.) Not one to be deterred, I decided to at least give it a try. It’s different, and therefore better, right? I would be a trooper, give it a fair shake, and eat my dessert like a big girl.
When I slid the pie out of its box, I couldn’t help but register further disappointment. It was barely lukewarm, and wasn’t burnt or crispy anywhere. The entire crust was a uniform yellowy-beige color, and soft to the touch. I guess since they decided to bake them now, they’d also go for the “flaky crust” effect. Unfortunately, this isn’t Gramma’s-house flaky. This is just make-a-big-mess flaky. More crummy than yummy. I think I brushed more pie off of my shirt than I actually ate.
Obviously, this incident called for emergency action. So I called McDonalds corporate offices up in Chicago for an explanation, and was connected to a very nice customer satisfaction representative named Joe. Following is a you-get-the-idea transcript of our conversation:
Kim: “Hi. Where can I get a fried cherry pie in Virginia? I think I was mistakenly given a baked one.”
Joe: “Well, due to health reasons, we no longer serve fried pies. We had enough customer requests for baked pies that we switched over.”
Kim: “Health reasons? Why are they eating at McDonalds in the first place? Why don't they just eat one pie at a sitting instead of four?”
Joe: “Well, we design our menu to serve our customers’ preferences. If we get enough requests for something, we’ll change it.”
Kim: “Please register my vote for deep-fried pie.”
Joe: “I’ll do that. But let me give you an example of how we work. Did you know that in New York, we no longer put mustard on cheeseburgers due to a high number of customer requests?”
Kim: “Yeah, my New York friends are weird about stuff like that. What’s wrong with them? Do they have fried pie? Can you help me find an apartment up there if they do?”
Joe: “No, they don’t. Sorry.”
Kim: “Okay. Thanks for talking to me anyway. Bye bye.”
Joe: “Yeah, sorry. Bye.”
So there you have it, kids. McDonalds nixed the fried pies for your health. You want to know the people who ruined it for all of us? It was the 400-pound, three-Big-Mac-eating, super-sized-fry-scarfing, two-pie-gobbling guys who think they can make everything okay by drinking a Diet Coke. They decided to blame McDonalds for their great girth, made a phone call, and screwed it up for the rest of us who know when they’ve had enough pie!
I think you know what to do. It’s campaign time in the Lioness Den. Call 630.623.3000. Tell the nice lady you want to speak with someone about pie. Joe will take your vote. Pies will magically appear in a couple of months.
Thank you for your support.
McDonalds
www.mcdonalds.com
630.623-3000