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february, 2001

previous reviews

not jerky. not chew. jerky chew.

snack-sized church chow for samaritans on the go

the great pie crusade

the greatest post office box ever

when the very best is just too much trouble

who wants to view millions of naked mammal parts?

"there are stars, and then there is burt reynolds"

seafood sam, al, and the yelling guy across the street

broke need not mean stinky

a guy in virginia always has some on hand

butter: does a body good


aw, shucks, let's debate


good for your soul, bad for your heart


linda's and kim's friday feast


my feet are in good hands


don't tell these people, "it's just a dog"


the other kim


winston-salem has the best snacks


it's sticky! it's chessy! it's stickychess!


greetings again from snack paradise


mmmph, glomph, *smack, smack*


eating tandem

tally ho, it's snacktime!

My poor British ancestors...

Okay, this week, I received an item that I've been dying to get here in the States for years. I don't actually want to eat it, but I've had a hankering to review it since I began this site. Unfortunately, I guess Americans know better.

Mike from London (thankee!) sent me a long cardboard tube with one Soreen--The Fruity Malt Loaf enclosed. Alright! Sticky British snack! Though I was thankful that there was no clotted cream enclosed, an unfortunate discovery I once made on a British Airways flight into London. Note to BA--when cream clots, we Yanks throw it out. Pass the butter.

Let's first look closely at the malt mass. Enclosed in a colo(u)rful plastic wrap, this ain't your Mama's loaf of Sunbeam, light and airy. No, this is dense, somewhat like the foam in your car seats. Go on! Shove a few Soreens in the upholstery and see if you're not more comfortable. It's already done wonders for my lower back.

Alas, some of you may actually want to eat the loaf. Well, more power to you. Open the plastic wrap, grab some napkins and a toothbrush. You will need both. Once it has hit the table with a squishy "thud", behold...fruitcake! Soreen Malt Loaf is the Twinkization of fruitcake, the bane of Christmas snacks. It's soft, sweet, and filled with prunes. Yeah, baby, pass the Earl Gray! It's tea time!

Alright, time to slice and gobble. Grab a sturdy knife, and coat it lightly with cooking spray (you'll thank me later when you don't have to scour sticky off the thing). Slice off a piece. Bite. Chew.

Chew.

Chew some more.

Okay, now rinse out your mouth and repeat.

Wow , you think. Sticky! It takes a lot of time to choke down a slice of Soreen, which means you've got time to read the marketing material at the Soreen website. Off to the computer you go.

I have to give it to the British--they're honest in their marketing attempts. God bless 'em, at least they don't inundate you with stupid made-up (but delicious) Americanized snack catchphrases. You know what I mean--Chocolicious , Crunchtastic! , Megameatful! Want to sell a loaf of pruny glue to a lot of English people? Say stuff like this, and keep repeating the word "sticky":

Soreen Fruity Malt Loaf is the UK's favourite Malt Loaf. Its unique and secret recipe has remained the same since it was first created [Ed. Note: in a lab.] It is enjoyed by all age groups, at any time, due to its delicious malty taste and texture.

In fact, Soreen tastes so deliciously rich and sticky it’s hard to believe it’s so healthy and good for you. [Ed. Note: yes, very hard to believe.]

...Many athletes and sportspersons rely on Soreen as part of their balanced diet. [You should always eat one loaf before a long swim.] ....The high level of carbohydrates available in Soreen ensure that protein, which athletes require to build muscle, will not need to be utilised as an energy source. [Because you are totally buzzed, dude.]

Soreen is so delicious and sticky you can just eat it on its own...

.

...but I wouldn't advise it. Really. Grab a glass of water. Some tea. A beer. And make sure your friends know the Heimlich maneuver. And whatever you do, don't smile until you've brushed your teeth. Your lips may be stuck to them for awhile.

Soreen--the Fruity Malt Loaf
www.soreen.com