23 june, 2000
not jerky. not chew. jerky chew
I took a road trip to Indiana to see my family last weekend. As you've heard, Midwestern gas prices are stupid high right now, so I took the car into Kentucky for a fill-up. I happened to stop at one of those Taj-Mahal marts, the kind where you can get a tub of pop, a sandwich, and adopt a child on your way through town.
So I'm in the checkout lane, waiting for a sweaty shirtless man to complete his cigarette transaction, when the Chew caught my eye. Hmm, I thought. This doesn't look like the stuff my Dad used to cram in his lip and spit. Nope, this isn't just chew, nor is it just jerky. It's Bull's One and Only Jerky Chew (product of Mexico).
Now, you should know that I'm generally a vegetarian, though I've been known to snap into a Slim Jim or two in my time. In the case of processed meat products, ethical vegetarians don't sweat the issue. First, we're just not sure Slim Jims are really meat. If they are meat, they're likely pressed sweepings off of the slaughterhouse floor, flavored with soy sauce. Meat, schmeat. Slim Jims are tasty.
As to Bull's Jerky Chew, I like the packaging. It's eye-catching in its red can, with a smartly-dressed bull on the label. His casual, content demeanor says, "eat me." The can fits nicely in your back pocket, so if you've already got Copenhagen ring on your jeans, this won't do too much damage. The label is informative, and includes the phone number to Knauss Snack Food Company "for nutritional information."
When I noted this, I started to get a little nervous. For a dinky little can, there's a hell of a lot of ingredients in here. I can pronounce two of them. I would like to call Knauss, but am afraid of what they will send me. Is it like prescription medicine, where they send me a two-by-two piece of paper that unfolds into an unweildy brochure the size of a road map? Will they tell me what happened to the lab rats they on which they tested Jerky Chew?
Nonetheless, I opened the Chew when I got home this week. The below picture, I think, speaks for itself. I closed the can immediately after taking the photo, because looks like lint and smells like bait. I haven't tried the stuff yet, and can't find anyone else who will either. But I do have some friends who fish, so I guess I'll let you know if they get any bites.
Knauss Snack Food Company, Quakertown PA 19950
800.338.4111
