19 july, 2000
when the very best is just too much trouble
When my sister and I were kids, mom rarely bought us things just to shut us up. We had an understanding, and that was to behave or we could leave the store. Whining, begging, and otherwise being snotty little pests got us nowhere, and for that Kelli and I are both thankful. For a mom raising two kids in the 70's and 80's, she was remarkably ahead of her time in a lot of ways. I don't know if her goal was to raise two non-priss types, or if we were just kind of like that anyway. But for the most part, she didn't buy us the crappy, dipwad excuses for toys I recently picked up at a local discount store.
I actually went on a mission for these particular items, because I've happened across them all of my life. I'm sure that you have, too. These little buggers are everywhere. People purchase these toys for one of the following reasons:
To give to charity toy drives at Christmastime. If so, shame on you. Get something nice.
To give to your second- or third-favorite daughter. These are the toys Jan Brady got.
To shut your kid up after an all-day K-Mart begging session. If this is the case, guess what -- the kid does indeed survive once you've left the store without cheap plastic crap. My sister and I are living, breathing proof.
Or, of course, you're doing the public a favor and writing about them on your rippin' website. (Like me.) So, let's dive right in and take a look at our first toy. From the Nicole Collection, and manufactured by Dolgencorp, Inc. in Kentucky; we have what appears to be a perfectly acceptable Barbie Doll substitute. She's packaged in a box, and not just plastic-with-cardboard backing. Her legs are solid like a real Barbie, not hollow like the dollar version I saw right next to her. And she actually has decent hair. It's even a bit longer than some Barbies, and doesn't appear to have any bald spots. For two dollars, Miss Nicole isn't a bad deal if you just need a spare doll for visiting neices, or a pet chew toy.
However, as with all "almost" Barbie dolls, Nicole has a couple of serious non-Barbie issues. Take a good look at Nicole's head as it relates to the rest of her body. This is fine for a kid who doesn't know any better, but don't even think of giving Glamour Melonhead to a Barbie collector. This is the chick Ken dumped once he moved out of the trailer park, if only to get away before the cheapo stitching on her outfit completely gave out. Nicole's head is hands-down the creepiest doll part I've ever seen. Hey, Princess Forehead! Phone home!
Now, I'm all for Barbie-esque dolls looking a little more realistic, but this is not what we mean. We mean realistic HUMANS. Under no circumstances do you make a head the size of a butt. Back to the drawing board, Dolgencorp. Stop designing your fashion dolls from Jerry Springer guests.
So I'm strolling around the toy section again, and find the only set of store shelves I've ever wanted to vandalize. It's the Start Young --- Look Like a Hoochie Now! section, alternately known as Choking Hazard Central.
Don't get me wrong --- I know that wanting to play dress-up is a natural, and usually healthy part of growing up for lots of boys and girls. But the way my family handled this was to save old clothes and makeup for us in boxes, and let us enjoy rummaging through it. We didn't want the fake stuff, because real clothes and makeup were so much more fun.
Which makes me wonder why anyone would purchase these next two items for their daughters. Cool Looks Dazzle Nails look entertaining enough, with their festive stickers and bright colors. Take a closer look at the packaging, though. Not just the garishly made-up kid, but her hands. Once I scanned the package, I opened it to find that this Fun With Claws set of nails are too big for MY hands. Even if she wanted to, a kid can't feel too glamourous with these nylon two-by-fours stuck on the ends of her fingers. And unless she wants to look like the incompetent cashier who accidentally rang you up for 41 bags of rice with her foot-long fingernails, this playset is best avoided. Buy your kid some nontoxic nail polish and have them paint the nubs they've got. Six-year-olds look better without evil stepmother hands.
That's right. Someone has manufactured not just fake fingernails for your daughters, but fingerTIPS. What's next? Fake toes? Not only that, but thanks for making this for-albino-only line of toys. Good to know the discount houses are making stuff for girls of all colors and nationalities. When I opened the package, I became even more disgusted by what I found. Sorry to sound like a Good Housekeeping consumer warning, but absolutely everything in this set came apart in my hands. The fingernail clippers, which don't actually clip anything, fell apart as soon as I opened the package. The same occurred with the faux lipstick. If all that isn't bad enough, the brush came apart from the lid on this fake polish bottle!
I'm all for the occasional stocking-stuffer dollar-quality gift. Yo-yo's, Silly Putty, squirt guns --- any number of these items can provide a dollar's worth of fun for your kid. If your daughter can't live without a Barbie doll, at least avoid the X-Files rejects. You can find the real deal, starting at about six dollars for the basic variety if you know where to look.
And here's a note for the Fingertip Manufacturers--might be a good idea to actually put glitter in the Glitter Girl toys.
Dolgencorp, Inc.
Scottsdale KY 42164-1698
(502) 237-5444
Ja-Ru, Inc.
Jacksonville FL 32207
(800) 231-3469
Editor's Note: I did a little research on both of these companies, and found multiple worldwide recalls of their products. There's a shocker,eh? Be happy to backchannel you the info if you want it.