3 august, 2000
there are stars, and then there is burt reynolds
My Life, The Autobiography of Burt Reynolds
$3.99 on the Borders Bookstore bargain table
There are three kinds of books: the jacket-tells-all (waste of your time to read actual pages in the book), the skimmer (which you can page-flip until you get to the good parts), and the type of stuff Oprah reads and puts onto bestseller lists. You will rarely, if ever, see the latter at lionessden.com.
My Life, the autobiography of Burt Reynolds, is the greatest skimmer of all time! And it's got his Cosmo centerfold in the photos section! Rawk! This book has everything going for it that four bucks can buy, and I almost feel bad for ol' Burt that he's ended up on the remainder pile. It's a shame that he's fallen so far from pop grace in the past fifteen years, because he's got his fair share of talent. Any fan of Evening Shade (the greatest show on television during its reign) knows that Burt Reynolds is funny, still pretty decent-looking, and quick-witted. So what's the problem? Why can't our buddy Burt grow into superfamous codgerdom like Harrison Ford or Clint Eastwood?
Answer: Burt Reynolds has made some of the stupidest decisions ever. From women to money management to career moves, this guy doesn't need a manager. He needs a zoo handler. Take, for example, the jacket of this book. The first sentence of the synopsis begins, "There are stars, and then there is Burt Reynolds." Uh-uh. No wonder no one bought this book. They either thought, "man, what an overblown ego," or "Burt Reynolds must not be a star. I think I'll get this Princess Diana book instead." Burt Reynolds has spent too much of his time aligning himself with idiots.
So let's get straight to the poop, and skip the first half of the book encompassing his childhood. In Reynolds' case, it was okay. Typical mid-1900's stuff --- stern dad, earnest mom, comfortable Southern upbringing, football star with career-shattering injury. I just covered it, so don't waste your time with the first 175 pages. Let's talk about GIRLS!
Girls dug Burt Reynolds. And he dug them. But at least in his version, he doesn't seem like too much of a schmuck. He's a welcome relief from recent dudes who tell all, such as that slutty Wilt Chamberlain. Burt's been around the block a few times, but not as much as you'd think. And of all the women he discusses, he doesn't skewer their character. Even Loni Anderson's.
Editor's Note: My birthday is on the same day as hers. Yuck!
Yeah, even Loni Anderson, who he called "the Countess". I'm sure she has her version of the story, and that's fine. But I'm going to believe Burt, because I actually think he's holding back when he describes her spending habits. This broad could hop out of the limo on Sunset Boulevard, put $25,000 on her American Express card, and return to the limo before the engine got cold. She wouldn't ever wear the same outfit again, particularly if it had been photographed. So she gave them to "poor people" when she was finished with them. I'm sure the local unfortunates were thrilled to receive her discarded designer duds so they could dress up for sandwich day at the Salvation Army. Thanks, Loni!
The really sad part of their short marriage was that she ended up cheating on him! With a young acting student / pool guy type! She begged Burt to take her back, saying that Surfer Stan made her feel "flattered and young". But he was all, "no way, blondie", paid her a truckload in alimony, and continued to be a good father to their son.
Now, don't be all getting the idea that Burt's a big studly saint. While his escapades will never reach the Warren Beatty Hall of Fame, he still did his share of silly boy things. Like, he dumped Dinah Shore, whom he loved til the day she died. He ultimately wanted kids, and she was quite a bit older than him (he was 35 at the time). Which was a shame, because he always loved her deeply.
Sally Field was "the greatest love affair of [his] life", but she sure sounds like she was a pill to live with in this book. Talk about competitive. She actually said "I could act her right off the stage" --- during a play featuring Meryl Streep! Doh! So anyway, Burt cheated on Sally with Candace Bergen (of whom I am a huge fan, and Murphy Brown ruled.) If nothing else, Burt Reynolds used to date some pretty classy women.
Except, of course, for Loni Anderson. I still can't believe I have to share my birthday with her. Yuck!
The end of the book wasn't too exciting, either. He's dating this Pam Seals now. She used to be a cocktail waitress in Florida or something. I remembered her from the big National Enquirer story about Burt's breakup with Loni. There were a lot of photos of them in a hot tub. Another excellent decision there, Burt. Tell the world about your new girlfriend in a supermarket rag. At least you could have gone to People Magazine, you schmuck! They don't get sued nearly as much.
Overall, an excellent book for late-night skimming. Tawdry and (mostly) true, it has some good photos, the chapters are short, and the text is generously spaced. Even better, Burt gets to the point in the first sentence of each chapter. He comes just short of saying, "this is the chapter where I fall in love with Dinah Shore". And that, kids, is the mark of a great big stack o' crap.