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13 september 2000

g'day, you freak

Okay, can someone please give me the poop on this Steve Irwin character? So I'm at Linda's house (she has cable), and I'm watching the Travel Channel. Apparently, it's Australia Week, what with the Olympics and all, and I've enjoyed a couple of very pleasant travel-in-the-outback shows. Cut to commercial, and all of a sudden, this whack-job shoves his face into the camera and tells us that we're going to see the world's ten deadliest venomous snakes. He's dressed in safari gear, he has a large head, and he's Australian. Intrigued, I put down my magazine and become slack-jawed. Snakes. Neato.

Alright, so the idea is that we're going to drive around Australia (because, "luckily", the world's most dangerous snakes all happen to live there. What a boost for tourism!) We're going to watch Steve Irwin and some sucker with a camera as they go snake-hunting. I swear, it's like watching Elmer Fudd with hair, only he ain't huntin' wabbits.

Steve Irwin is an odd little man, as is evidenced during Snake Number 10 Trip. Here, he crawls under some suburbanite's house to come face-to-face with a brown snake that could kill him with one nibble. So he's all, "now I don't want to make any noise or breathe on this snake heah, or he may bite meah," and yet he's YELLING at the camera while ol' cuddly-butt is lying six inches from his face.

The show continues in this fashion, with Steve in the Outback, Steve in the swamp, and Steve grabbing reptiles out of rat holes. Apparently, he's been doing this all of his life, as the narrator tells us that his father founded some big snake conservatory that Steve now runs. To his credit, he says that he's never been bitten. But you know what? NEITHER HAVE I! You know why? Because I don't run after snakes, grab them, and then swing them around on camera! And how much are you paying that camera guy, Steve, cause that dude has a way crappier job than you do. I'm sure he is thrilled each time you're all, "can you zoom in on this fang heah? Cripey, that's a whoppah!"

Yeah, I'd cripey you. Freak.

Absolutely the worst part of this show was, of course, Snake Number 1, the Fear Snake. This thing has enough venom, Steve says, to kill 100 men with one bite. So let's hop on this motorbike here and grab us one! A hunting I will go, A hunting I will go...

Fast-forward to desolate Outback-land, and Steve is lying on his stomach in front of a rat hole in the middle of lucky Australia, gazing at the Fear Snake. So it crawls out of the hole, and goes up and LICKS Steve's face! AAAGH! I was already curled up in the fetal position pretty much from Snake Number 6, and am now white-knuckling the upholstery. This sucks. I hate this show.

I can't turn it off. Dammit! When is the Cindy Margolis show on? Where's the remote? I think I briefly black out, just in time to see Steve mugging for the camera again. The show is over and he's still alive, which is a good thing for that wife of his that he mentioned earlier. (Can you believe someone married this nut? He looks like Barney Rubble and plays with snakes! Sexy...) So anyway, he looks into the camera, yells, "we did it, mate! Woooooo-hoo!" and hi-fives one of his lackeys.

Alright, so do I have any Australian readers who care to enlighten me on this? Obviously, people get out of your country alive. What's the deal on all these poisonous things? Anyone been bit and want to tell me about it? The idea of visiting Australia absolutely gives me the quivers right now, and it's all Steve Irvin's fault. Make him stop. He's killing tourism.

I'm going to try to sleep now. Wilma is standing guard at my door. Bite, pussycat, bite, bite!