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5 september 2000

raise your hand if you've ever had a job like this

There are a lot of shiny new corporations here in Richmond, which attract a lot of young, upwardly-mobile team-player types. Their idea of rocking the boat is wearing a collarless shirt on casual Fridays, and ordering the deep-fried jalepeno appetizer at lunch.

Woo, risky.

I know this because I was on a technical-writing contract for such a place, heretofore known as The Worst Company in the World. Instead of actually working, I spent my time in daily eight-hour meetings where lots of people talked about working. That, or they would yak endlessly about so-and-so's new Lincoln Navigator. When they did talk about work, it was usually to spend lots of time patting themselves on the back over the most recent decision that it took them three days to reach. Most of these people's job titles contained the words analyst or project manager, presumably because that's what they call business-oriented people with no measurable technical skills, whose job it was to send packets of paper to four different departments, and get approval from a lot of people who neither read nor understood what was in the packets.

Now, I've worked at several different companies throughout my career with some brilliant business people. I receive mail from life and stuff readers who, when I visit their company websites, appear to work for some truly progressive firms who do incredible work. Which is why I knew something was definitely wrong at The Worst Company in the World. Under normal circumstances, some of the people with whom I worked would be considered virtually unemployable. Take my immediate on-site "supervisor", for example. He was a very average, too average to even be considered an aging frat boy. Not the brightest bulb in the lamp, he was a manager on this particular project. And he often had absolutely no idea what was going on with the project. He had no clue as to what was being said in most of the meetings. He would sit quietly, doodle on his paper, and speak once or twice during the eight-hour meeting to let people know that he was awake. I cannot recall him ever making or implementing an actual decision.

Actually, I can't remember anyone making any sorts of decisions. One reason for this was because it was company policy to make everyone feel good about themselves. You think I'm kidding? I know of two technical people who were actually reprimanded for stating that some of the business requirements would not work, and suggesting other options to the group. The paramount rule at The Worst Company in the World? Don't Step on Anyone's Toes. Don't be a threat. Don't rock the boat.

I'll answer your question: yes, it was creepy.

During my tenure at The Worst Company in the World, I learned a few things about how the place works. Like, once you are hired, you go through a one-week orientation program. It is called assimilation. Like in Star Trek. They don't hire according to need. They hire people who they think will be a good "fit", and perform a bunch of psychological tests to ensure that you aren't one of those go-getter types who might come in and take over the place. Then, they place you where you will cause the least trouble. You are assigned a job title and a "tier" level. Ascending to the next tier is apparently a big deal, and yet it isn't the done thing to discuss tiers in mixed company.

Of course, once you drive ten feet from the parking lot at the Worst Company in the World, no one gives a flying flip about your stupid tier. Not out here where the rest of us live, anyway. Because I was a contractor, I was thankfully free of such nonsense. Unfortunately, I still had to work on a go-nowhere project that, interesingly, was being evaluated for either postponement or even a complete halt. It was definitely a "Dilbert" moment in my life, at which I quietly started sending my resume elsewhere. I wanted to work again, and not just sit around and talk about work.

I spent a lot of time at The Worst Company in the World feeling sorry for the technical people who had to do the business people's bidding, and know for a fact that one of them is way too brilliant to be wasting his time there. Get your patents, dude, and get rich. I want to say I knew you when.

Having said all this, I am hardly against Corporate America, project managers, or even business analysts. For the most part, I've had the pleasure of working with the best and brightest throughout my little career, which is why this last gig was such blip in the job radar. What did I learn? Mostly, don't work with scaredy-cats. Don't work at places where they're more interested in your psychololgical profile. Don't accept employ where working "smart" is a threat.

And run like hell when they casually say, "you will spend a lot of time in meetings". It's their little way of saying, "you're not going to actually accomplish anything"