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4 september 2000

i watched tv this weekend

I watched television this weekend. For most people, I suppose this isn't such a big deal. But I'm happy to say that spending hours in front of the tube is something I only do when I'm really, really sick. Or bored. So I don't know what got into me on Saturday night for those three useless, lumplike hours. Before I go any further, please know that I am very very ashamed of myself and almost too embarrassed to write about it.

But not embarrassed enough.

Okay, maybe I was in comfy mode with my big bowl of Annie's Mexican macaroni and cheese. It was pretty delicious.

So it's 10:00 pm, Wilma is napping after a rousing game of "hey, I've got feet!" and I'm flipping around for decent entertainment. Apparently, the new fall season is beginning and networks are trying out new shows, because there seemed to be a lot of "clip"specials. These broadcasts (which are little more than narrated collections of outtakes) satisfy two important American desires:

1. We have the attention span of a gnat, and must be entertained accordingly.
   
2. We like to watch car crashes, girls in bikinis, and animals who attack girls in bikinis and then get run over by cars.

It is because of shows like this that I don't watch that much tv anymore. Aside from the occasional "Jerry Springer" broadcast, I just don't like to watch real people being stupid. I can go to Wal-Mart for that, and pick up toothpaste and a bottle of shampoo while I'm there. You don't have to spend two million dollars for a network broadcast to convince me that a lot of people are dumb, okay?

So I'm at ABC, and there's John Henson (former host of E! Television's Talk Soup). He is your prototypical smartass white-guy type, only whinier and with the face of a ferret. Apparently, ABC is paying him a lot of money and giving him production credits for --- you guessed it --- a smartass clip show. Oh, it had a few redeeming qualities, like featuring worldwide outtakes instead of just Hollywood bloopers. At the same time, this international approach was distressing. Once you've seen a bunch of bikini-clad British girls cram grapes into their seats and bounce around on a chair with the intent of making "butt wine"...it just makes you wonder how Queen Elizabeth spends her time. "Tally ho, Phillip! Be a dear and bring me some grapes."

Eeeew.

I think it goes without saying that John's The Television Show was a complete waste of time. Yet did Wilma and I move from our seats? Of course not. Between the catnip and the macaroni, we were rendered immobile.

So we sort of doze through more late-night garbage, until I am startled awake by this creepy synthesizer noise, a lot of screaming and bright colors, and bouncing people. It is 1:00 a.m., and I have just witnessed the debut of The Cindy Margolis Show. For those of you cave-dwellers who don't know who she is, Cindy is (like me) a chick with a website. Some people might say that her site is better than mine, as she has big boobs and wears a bikini for a living. But I digress.

I am puzzled. Unsure of show's concept, goal, or point. I think maybe it's a beach party. Lots of girls in bikinis, bouncing. Like, I truly believe someone's job title is "Wiggle-Cam", and he makes lots of money by pointing the camera at people's rear ends and pressing the record button. I think there was a dance contest, but the best dancers did not win. The girl in the hot pink bikini with her come-hither creep-o-matic tongue did. I hope her mother was not watching.

Furthermore, I'm still trying to figure out why it's called The Cindy Margolis Show. Is it because she was the tallest? I can't recall her actually doing anything, but being taller than everyone on stage. After about a half hour of more bouncing and screaming, I decided that I'd had enough and went to bed. Embarrassed. Horrified.

If I leave now, I think I can get some grapes before the supermarket closes.