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31 july 2000
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i'm going to be president of the usa
Next week, I am heading up to Providence, Rhode Island, for the
2000 National Poetry Slam.
This is my seventh nationals -- the seventh one! Geez, I've been doing
this for awhile. (Note to self, find new hobby.) Anyway, I'm also competing
for the first time in four years. This week in life and stuff, I will
be telling you a little bit about Poetry Slam (which is totally fun,
and impresses people who normally don't dig poetry too much.) I'll also be
preparing to board the Slam America Bus, which is a cross-country
bus tour, featuring poets from dozens of cities throughout the USA and Canada.
So today, enjoy your first installment. This is a poem that I currently
Slam with, and it's entitled President Me. I'll post more info
about what precisely Slam is tomorrow, where I fit into it, and some of the
things I've done with poetry and Slamming over the past eight years. Looking
back on it, poetry has taken be further than any college class or job
ever has. Imagine that.
I am the girl next door
who you wish would move away
and I'm running for president.
When I hit the White House
things are going to change.
I'm starting my own book club,
The Oprah's Book Club Sucks Club
because sometimes I just want to read
The National Enquirer,
The Biography of Burt Reynolds
and anything with Fabio on the cover.
Then, I'm starting my own talk show entitled,
Just Deal with It
where no one gets a makeover
no one loses weight
and no one is reunited.
We will sit around eating chips and dip
drinking Yoo-Hoo
smoking
and talk about our friends
who have self-actualized and self-improved to the point
that they are no longer any fun.
I'm buying the Oxygen Network and Lifetime,
television for women
who can't get enough of Meredith Baxter Birney
or Patrick Duffy.
I'm going to rename it Oxygen Time,
Television for women
Who are sick of watching porn for men.
I will make sure
You never see Ron Jeremy's hairy ass again.
We'll see our sex when we want it,
The way we want it,
And the movie won't end until
She gets off, too.
Lesbians will have sex
For one another,
Instead of some guy in the room
Waiting for them to finish him off.
I'm taking over Cosmo and Soldier of Fortune magazines
To create the Soldier of Cosmo media empire.
Our motto will be,
"We don't care what you think,
and we have guns."
All Girls, All Guns, All the Time
with helpful reader advice columns, like,
How Do I Load this Thing?
and Make Him Stop Calling.
I'm sending Martha Stewart
Kathie Lee Gifford
and a camera crew
to a remote Pacific island
calling it, "No Survivors",
and wait for one of them
to turn the other
into a decorative table centerpiece.
Miss America will be required to weigh
at least 200 pounds.
When I become president,
we can stop working double time
just to prove ourselves equal.
You are invited to eat twinkies all day
leave you scars as they are
and I will declare all of you beautiful,
and put it in writing
You will be paid a full dollar on the dollar
for the job you do.
Because when I become president,
I will assure you that you've served your country well
and now is the time
for it to serve you back.
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