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20 july 2000

i went to the bookstore today

I went to the bookstore today. Actually, I go to the bookstore a lot. I used to visit the library, but the big one here in Richmond smells funny. Lots of homeless guys, usually reading war books or magazines, staring at people, or sleeping. I don't really begrudge them the privilege, but it does get pretty ripe in there on hot days.

So where was I. Oh, yeah, I went to the bookstore today to get an updated programming book. I found what I needed pretty easily, but was struck at the vast number of Books for Dummies scattered throughout the store. I have a couple of older ones, namely COBOL and HTML for Dummies, which have served as good reference books over the past couple of years. Between the Dummies books and the other series For Complete Idiots, I'm puzzled over something.

There are literally thousands of programming books in print, with more of them becoming increasingly user-friendly. We like that --- three cheers for publishers of Encyclopedias Nerdannica! But is it just me, or does anyone else see the irony of titles like CGI Programming for Dummies, Perl for Complete Idiots, and The Illiterate Thumb-Sucking Moron's Guide to C++? For those of you non-geeks out there, these are not easy languages. I'd say most people, if they don't shell out for adult ed classes at their local community college, at least get some sort of real-life instruction in these things. Unless you've got an smidgen of experience with programming logic, it's nearly impossible to just pick up a book and "get it".

But then if you do get it down from just reading the book, that would definitely make you a non-dummy. In fact, you'd have to be pretty daggone smart. You follow me?

Yeah, I know. It's a marketing tool. They're hip, affordable, and bright yellow. Most everyone has at least one Dummies / Idiot sort of book laying around somewhere. However, there are Dummies books. . .and there are dummies books. Like, the kind you hide under your bed and hope the dog doesn't drag out during a dinner party.

Let's say that you're a school bus driver. It's probably not a good idea to lodge The Complete Idiot's Guide to Highway Safety in that storage bin with all of your McMuffin wrappers. Or, you're a guy who's had a lovely evening with Ms. Woo-Hoo, and you've invited her up for a drink. Don't worry if you've left the latest issue of Horny Jugg Butts and a XXX movie laying on the couch. We're used to seeing that stuff. Women DO NOT, however, want to see your personally-autographed copy of Dating for Dummies anywhere in your apartment. No, no, no. There's a big difference between a normal, frustrated guy and a creepy, desperate goob who needs detailed directions. Ya dig?

Actually, if you really want the chick, try this approach. Run, do not walk, to the nearest bookstore. Grab of copy of the most Esoteric-Mouthful-of-Computer-Networking-Gibberish-for-Dopes you can find. Toss it onto the coffeetable, next to a picture of your mom. Make offhand comment about "a little something I'm learning to make myself more valuable at work."

If you're not playing kissy-face that evening, I've got news for you, Chucky. She's the dummy.