|
: : home : : reviews : : days gone by : : litmag : : who? : : contact |
|
18 july 2000 |
the local dermatologists have made me very unhappy The local dermatologists have made me very unhappy. About a month ago, I noticed this freckle on my thigh with decidedly non-freckle qualities. It's not all big, hairy and creepy or anything. It's just an odd-looking, opaque freckle that extremely-white and former-lifeguard me needs to have looked at a little more closely. Chances are it's nothing at all, but when you're translucent like me, you don't take chances with strange new spots on your leg. So I went to my family practicioner today for a little look-see, and he said it would be a good idea to get Mr. Faux Freckle checked out by a dermatologist. Someone who can legally cut, burn, freeze or otherwise gouge out offending skin goobers and give them scientific names. I asked Dr. D. if he could just take a hot match or Vaseline to it, like you would a tick. He told me not to try that at home, and gave me a couple of referrals. When I got home, I did like a good patient and called the recommended dermatologists, who could not fit me in for at least a month. So I scoured the Yellow Pages, thinking I would have better luck with someone else. For forty-five minutes, I think I called every skin doctor in the Greater Richmond area, and everyone was booked solid. I settled for a mid-August appointment with a reputable-sounding guy whose name I could pronounce. Then I kicked my feet up for a moment and cursed the extremely high number of leathery orange people running amok throughout Virginia. I just know they're why I have to wait so long to learn more about Frankenfreckle. I don't understand why, but the tanning business is big down here. Like, huge. I've never lived anywhere with such a high concentration of perpetually-suntanned people. In spite of the well-known (and icky) effects of doing so, gobs of people are shelling out big bucks to lie naked on a big, radioactive table so they can turn colors. Frankly, most of them look orange and yucky to me. The peeling ones are especially creepy to look at. And some have been doing it for so long that their skin moves independently of their body. I'm real sorry to gross you guys out, but I've got to live with this phenomenon every day. They must be stopped. Make them go away. The other thing that really irks me about this whole deal is the way a lot of these supposed "dermatologists" advertise. I had to make sure I didn't have the Beverly Hills Yellow Pages in front of me. From skin peels to laser resurfacing, I was inundated with page after page of,
Not only that, but I was actually placed ON HOLD by one receptionist who had to ask the doctor if he dealt with suspicious skin lesions caused by sun damage. You know why? Cause their dermatological specialty was the on-site spa! Sorry for bothering you and your lackeys, Dr. Mud Bath. Is this for real? Have any of you guys experienced anything so ridiculous? Are any dermatologists in Virginia, DC or North Carolina reading this? Can you fit me in next week? Until then, I'm just making sure there's not a Bride of Frankenfreckle lurking elsewhere. |