: : home     : : reviews     : : days gone by     : : litmag     : : who?     : : contact    

14 july 2000

i need to clean out my den

I need to clean out my den. It's really gross in here. The rest of the house is okay, since I keep the public areas reasonably clean. When stuff starts sticking to my socks, I will push around the vacuum for awhile. That is, until the motor starts to smoke like it did a month ago. Either I ran it for too long, or there were a lot of Cheerios in the rug or something. Running the vacuum doesn't help the kitchen floor too much, so I guess I need to get that mop from the car trunk and unwrap it. I think there's a bucket somewhere in the garage, too.

Anyway, my den is my favorite room of the house, and where I write all this stuff. It's what you'd expect. The walls are lined with books, CDs, Star Wars action figures, Pez dispensers, and the latest editions of several magazines I need to finish. I've got two computers and peripheral equipment crammed in here, a sewing machine, and some paper piles that needed my immediate attention awhile back.

None of that stuff, however, is supposed to smell funny. Which is why I really need to wrap this up and find out where it's coming from. It smells close, and may originate from one of several piles of debris. There are the Diet Coke containers, but I think they dissolve germs, car paint and flesh. They'll be fine where they are. I thought it may have been the wad of popsicle / fudge bar wrappers by my foot, but they seem okay, too. I can leave them there. The Smokin' Grill chips bag is empty, and actually still smells pretty good. The communion bread is guaranteed fresh, so I'll just leave it on top of that box in the corner.

It occurs to me that this is a familiar smell. Suddenly, I know where to look.

Next to the computer are some innocuous-looking cereal bowls and coffee mugs, but as I've learned before, appearances can be deceiving. Coffee isn't too bad by itself; you can let it sit for up to seven warm summer days and not notice a thing. But you dump a drop of milk in there, and it gets ripe quick. Like two hours later. You've seen it-the little white coagulated circle in the middle of the brew. You let that sit for three or four days like I apparently have, and it's time to light the Yankee candles.

I'm also missing several pairs of socks, a pair of pants, and a really good book I was reading; and am sure it's in here somewhere. If I find anything especially interesting, I'll let you know.

In the meantime, join my sister Kelli and several friends who are scrounging through their homes and local stores for stuff for me to review. Apparently, these seem to be generating quite a bit of traffic to the Den . If you think you've got something that needs a scrutinizing lionessden.com review, drop me an e-mail describing it and I'll tell you how to send it to me. I'll send you a can of Play Doh and give you lots of recognition if your stuff makes it on the site. Sound fair? This counts for my overseas readers, too. I'm getting some pretty regular hits from Ireland and Australia, and I know you guys have some peculiar food on your grocers' shelves. Please send it.

Okay, have a big fun weekend. I'm leaving town for something neato once I scrub out the den. Toodaloo.