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13 july 2000

i was really on the jerry springer show, part two

If you missed yesterday's life and stuff, click here to catch yourself up. And promise never to skip a day again. Pinky swear.

So there we are, preparing to watch a crappy soft-porn tape on overhead televisions, while finding our seats in the meat locker that is Jerry Springer's studio. It was freezing, but we were reassured that once the lights come up and everyone started yelling, things would warm up quickly.

We were led to our seats after being given the once-over. Since we were neatly dressed and had no visible tattoos, we were seated on the aisle where Jerry opens the show, at the intersection of three camera views. We were going to be on TV, like A LOT! Rock on!

Oh my god, we were going to be on TV. A lot. On the Springer show. Note to self, call the parents.

To keep everyone entertained during the mass seating (young, loud, pugnacious in front; older people in the back, mulletheads near the door, freshly showered, middle-class near cameras) they played the new Too Hot for TV tape, much to my friend's delight. He's not much of a porn hound, but did display a healthy appreciation for what we were being shown. The fights were pretty good, too.

A few moments after we were seated, I could already tell that the production intern made a mistake. We were seated next to a dyed-in-the-polyester Jerry fan. Like, when Jerry passed our row the first time, she hollered a sincere marriage proposal to him. He politely declined and looked at me, puzzled. I discreetly indicated to him that we were not with her. Thankfully, everyone else around us seemed pretty normal and no one smelled funny.

Finally, everything was ready to go. The televisions went silent, and Todd (the stage manager) gave everyone his well-rehearsed-but-still-entertaining lowdown on audience behavior. The goal of a Springer audience, we were told, is to be LOUD. We were to be loud in unison. Therefore, Todd acts as something of a symphony director throughout the show. We were given four scientifically- choreographed cues, as follows:

BOO = Indicates audience displeasure over dumbass guest

LOSER = Make letter "L" with thumb and finger, place on forehead, yell

AWW = Spoken after declaration of love or other heartfelt affection

Jer-RY! Jer-RY! Jer-RY! = Whoo! Fighting!

That's it. Because we were all underneath very sensitive microphones, we were not allowed to swear or say anything outside of the aforementioned herd-speak. Which was fine with me. I follow directions well. Yell. Clap. Enjoy. I can do that.

Then came the moment that the weird chick in my row was waiting for---Jerry Springer himself ascended the front stage, to thunderous response. Now, because I had worked in the building for some time, I'd run into him a few times before. And I had been to one of his book-signings at Barbara's Bookstore when he published Ringmaster (which is a totally cool book that I enjoyed very much). Anyway, the rumors about Jerry are true. He's really a very personable guy, Told some jokes, made us comfortable, and just encouraged us to have a good time. He acknowledged that many of his guests are somewhat off-center, that the show is ridiculous, and he loves his job.

He also has the coolest hairdo ever! Not blonde and not gray, he obviously pays someone some serious smackers to color his hair a very appealing mix of gold and silver. It's not old-guy silver, but this nearly-metallic looking stuff that you can't just grab off the shelf at your local Sally Beauty Supply. (I know. I looked.) He is also shorter than I am, standing about five-ten. That was a weird realization. I'm taller than Jerry Springer.

During the commercial breaks, we also got an added bonus because he hangs out in the row where we were seated. If nothing else, he's still got a lot of qualities from his days as a politician. Jerry Springer is a handshaker and sweet-talker, very charming and will speak to most anyone. Which is exactly the appeal of his show. He may be a lot of things, but he ain't a snob. Too bad he was mayor of Cincinnati instead of Oakland. He could have been a perverted version of Jerry Brown. Californians are a forgiving bunch. . .right?

At last, the show began. They brought out the first guest, which was so obviously a guy that we were placing bets in our row. Ugly guy who made an ugly girl and had a really, really stupid lover. We knew we were in for a good time. Transsexuals, prostitutes, and cheaters---it was one of the most entertaining two hours of my life. I yelled. I booed. I said "awww".

And I ended up on television. A lot. And in repeats, because our episode was particularly entertaining. My grandparents were appalled. My mom took the tape to work (yay, Mom!) A tech company called me to ask if I was that girl on the Springer show. They were duly impressed.

I am so glad I didn't go on the Oprah show. It would really suck if I couldn't do that LOSER thing on my forehead. Jerry. . .well, he rulz. Yak at you tomorrow.