: : home     : : reviews     : : days gone by     : : litmag     : : who?     : : contact    

30 november 2000

© 2000 kim holzer. no stealing, or my mom will come get you.

i can't believe people get paid for this

So I'm chatting with a friend tonight (on the phone, like in the 20th century -- remember?) who had found a copy of Linda Goodman's Sun Signs book laying around his house. Which motivated me to look over on my bookshelf and pick up a book that my friend Linda recommended several years ago. It's The New Astrology: A Unique Synthesis of the World's Two Great Astrological Systems, the Chinese and Western, and it's by Suzanne White. Personalized character profiles and everything. Everything you need to know about yourself, as written by a perfect (if flaky) stranger. Okay, I'm game.

So if you haven't already figured it out, I'm a Leo, and was born in the Chinese year of the Pig. Lions rule, and pigs like to wallow around. So far, so good! I'm with you, Suzie. Keep talking.

Here's what the nice book says about me:

This fiery and conscientious soul will always leave you laughing. Even in the most tragic circumstances, and the Leo/Pigs seem to have reached an emtional nadir. from out the shivering bundle of despair will shine one little quip, one last pun or smart remark to bring a smile to your lips. Leo/Pigs cannot help it. They're funny people...this person's sense of fun will be capital.

Alright, so she dragged me in there with a whopper of an ego stroke. Rock on, New Astrology! Appeal to my vanity, baby. Tell me more...

Not only do they love to make wry jokes, but Leo/Pigs adore everything sensual in great gobs and bunches. How else can I say it? Leo/Pigs have class.

I cannot argue with the lady. Buy this book! But wait...

Leo/Pigs favor the traditional in decor.

Okay, so that's crap. Tasteful, yes. Traditional, no. Please refer to the gallery of great 70's sitcom stars in my entry hall, and the tasteful Brady Bunch and Star Wars collections in my den. But I digress.

Really, who believes this stuff? I'll confess a little something to you, but there will be NO GIGGLING like some kind of e-peanut gallery. A few years ago, I used to check this book before going on a date with someone, or as soon as I could find out when the dude's birthday was. Linda was the only one with a copy, and everyone else did it (yes, I would jump off a bridge if my friends told me to. Shut up.) So anyway, her copy is absolutely destroyed. Creases everywhere, particularly in the Gemini section. Us gals and the Geminis -- eegh. If I recall, the Capricorn section had quite a lot of traffic, too.

So I'm back to chatting with my friend, and he's reading his own profile and mine. Strangely, they do kind of match many personality traits that we hold. In all honesty, I'm your run-of-the-mill Leo type. I can be terribly prideful and love an occasional moment in the limelight, but I'm no schlep. Don't show up at my house with your shirt tail hanging out and wearing ratty shoes. And you'd better smell nice. We Leo gals don't do stink.

I got to thinking, then, of all these late-night psychic friends. You know, those beady-eyed, sarong-headed people who will be your friend for the low price of four dollars a minute, Visa and MasterCard accepted thanks. Why, they'll spin a web of human nature so thick it would catch a flock of migrating geese. And we believe them. They flatter us with the best of ourselves, then warn us of upcoming bumps in the road. Like therapists, only more expensive and with no recognizable credentials. Who needs friends when you've got a pack of Tarot cards, eh?

Interestingly, my dearest friends definitely fall under the more hard-headed zodialogical signs. Capricorns, Scorpios, Pisces...need I mention that I've got a Taurus for a mother? After all, if a lioness isn't going to raise another little lioness, I can't think of anyone better than a bull. Uncompromising, sovereign, and tougher than anyone else I know.

So we ended our conversation tonight, with him promising to take notes and highlight the important stuff according to Linda Goodman. And he just couldn't hang up without telling me that I shared the same sign as Mussolini and Fidel Castro. Hey, thanks for the boost!

Remind me, next time I see him, to let him know that he's in good company himself with Ed McMahon and Liza Minelli. I don't think I'll tell him about Albert Einstein...yet.