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25 january 2001 Submit to lid. Earn fame. Lots of fame! Fortune, well... |
bring me the head of mr. kellogg I was going to save this little doodle for a review, but frankly, this is an important matter that deserves closer discussion. The thing is, I'm having Pop Tart problems. I love toaster pastries. My enjoyment of them defies reason and puzzles friends. After all, we're talking about what is essentially two pieces of plywood, held together with fruit goo. (Mmm...just writing that made me want one. Hold on a minute.) Okay. Now, the thing with pastry planks is that I don't eat them for breakfast, nor do I eat them very often. Nope, they're definitely up there in the "treat" category for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that one tart equals 200 calories. Urp. Recently, there have been more urgent reasons for my recent tart shortage--I can't find the right ones. I don't know when you last went looking for these doodads, but Pop Tarts (the brand) are NOT what they used to be. They're better, faster, goopier, and have rocket engines. In the past twenty years, Kellogg's has made a BMW Roadster out of a Ford Gran Torino, and I have to say that I am not pleased. For crying out loud, they're even detailed like a car--you've got your swirls, sprinkles and stripes. You've got frosting. Before you know it, they're going to start attaching florescent lights to the bottom of them and jacking up one end so it slides faster down your gullet. I'd rather have the Torino. Last week, I once again found precisely what I was looking for--plain old Toast'ems. No icing. No decorations. No weird flavors. Strawberry, blueberry, cherry. Of course, I grabbed the twelve-pack! Who knows when I'll see these again, right? Actually, I probably will find them again, but I have to look. Being as Toastettes (made by Nabisco) and Toast'ems are sort of knockoff, generic tarts, they're either on the bottom shelf, behind five layers of some expensive goo-stricken thing, or buried under the pickles. Those marketing lackeys think they're being smart, don't they. Little do they know that it's not a shopping trip for me. It's a quest, and I will release Excalitart from the Magic Toaster. News News News! At long last, I've got a new collection of poetry, to be released in about two weeks. It's been a few years since I've gathered a pile, so stay tuned for ordering information. Also, for those of you in the Chicago area, I will be featured on February 8 at Women Out Loud. Come on out, or contact me for further information. You'll giggle, gawk and grin, mmkay? |
