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23 january 2001
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not-so-superstores
I have begun to develop better shopping habits.
Thankfully, I've never been a big shopping freak. Between crowds, lines, and surly prepubescent salespeople, it's not an activity that I enjoy. In particular, I've begun to recognize the mixed blessing that is our neigborhood superstore. Frankly, I've mostly begun to recognize the not-so-blessed part.
I used to be a semi-fan of Wal-Mart, until it seemed that every week brought more news of sweatshops, unfair business practices, and community pillaging. Lacking either dough or imagination, Wal-Mart seemed the mondo mecca of savings, my one-stop stock shop. As did Lowe's (endless home-improvement labyrinth) and Best Buy (pacemaker-wearers beware, three acres of electronic goods ahead). Wait a minute I would think. These places promise bargains galore, so why did I just drop 75 bucks at Wal-Mart? Hmm.
That's right. For a time, I just couldn't get out of Wal-Mart for less than a pile o' cash. How can you? Following is a typical Wal-Mart shopping trip:
- You leave home with two items on your shopping list: toothpaste and athletic socks.
- Drive into WM parking lot. Locate a spot within sight of the store. Put on hiking boots. Start walking.
- Ten minutes later, arrive at entrance of store.
- Morale is low, fatigue is high. You immediately purchase a can of pop.
- Senior citizen greets you and rolls cart directly into your path. You fall into cart.
- You extract yourself from cart and go directly to health and beauty section for Band-Aids and antibiotic gel. God only knows who fell into the cart before you.
- Hey, this 600-capsule jar of vitamins is on sale for nine dollars! Woo-hoo! You toss it into the basket.
- The store is crowded and you are moving slowly enough to peruse each and every item on the shelves. Dang, a gallon of shampoo for a buck! Better get two.
- Wow, they sell paint here? I've always wanted to be a painter. You ask a stockperson for assistance in carrying the necessary supplies to your buggy.
- You approach the middle of the store. Tank tops are on sale. You remember that all of yours are in the laundry, and doing laundry sucks! You grab three.
- The cash register lines are very long. Looks like you might be here awhile. You pick up a can of cheese puffs for snacking.
- Laundry detergent is on sale! Right on!
- They sell groceries here, too? Cool! You get just a few supplies: rice, milk, carrots, bread, pickles, yogurt, butter, nuts, spices, Wilma treats, and beans. And soup. And a four-pack of macaroni and cheese.
- Look at all the bargains you got! You find a place in line, satisfied that you're are Winston-Salem's smartest shopper
- The cheese puffs are gone. You are bored. Hey, the National Enquirer ! Liza Minelli is sick again--oh, no!
- Twenty minutes and three tabloids later, you reach the cashier and place your items on the conveyor belt. You must pay attention because (A)the cashier has fingernails the length of your foot and just rang you up for 41 bags of rice and (B)nothing has an actual price tag on it, and three of the last five items rang up overpriced. You wait while an assistant manager conducts price checks on your items throughout the store.
- Still waiting.
- At last! All items present and accounted for! Cashier gives you dumb look, which means it's time for you to pay. You must ask her how much the total is, because she is a grunting laggard.
- 84.92
- You swipe your credit card and swear never to come here again. The cashier gives you your receipt but no pen. You ask for a pen. She gives you the one behind her ear. Gross.
- She does not thank you or wish you a nice day. You contemplate speaking with a manager but the milk might spoil and you have a long walk ahead.
- You're halfway home and realize that you forgot the toothpaste and athletic socks.
Did you know that Wal-Mart sells guns, too? Uh, that's a great idea...
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