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24 may 2002

whopper of a disappointment

In my opinion, you have to work to make something this bad. You've got to work long and hard to reach this level of disgustingness. If it weren't for the onion rings, I would wipe all things Burger King from my memory, forever.

You'd think that at least I could give them points for effort, for environmentalism, for kindness toward vegetarians. But considering that, like, a million companies have long-mastered the art of creating good veggie burgers, all I can say is that BK has totally crapped out on this one.

I was on my way to Asheville a few weeks ago, and made it a point to stop at Burger King to try their new BK veggie, or whatever the hell they're calling it. Walked in with big grin on face. Ordered with delight. Added an order of onion rings and pop, and throw in some extra dipping sauce. Happily walked to seat with my book and grub, prepared for a life-changing, vegetarian fast-food experience.

Step one: Remove burger from tray. Unwrap.

Step two: Duck! Petite lettuce choppings explode everywhere. Remove lettuce droppings from self. They're like glitter: stick everywhere, difficult to remove. Note: Burger is nowhere to be found.

Step three: Still looking for burger. Yoo-hoo! Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr! My voice echoes within the sesame-seed bun canyon.

Step four: Take bite. Something grainy is inside mouth. Tastes like plywood. Not that I've ever eaten plywood, but if it looks like construction material and feels like construction material...well, you get my point. Call a spade a spade, baby.

Step three-point-five: But wait! There's more! Apparently, Burger King has not neglected to "flame-broil" this thing. Tastes burnt. Tastes...wrong. Tastes like nail polish remover smells, if that makes any sense. Way nasty.

Step four: Deflated, abandon burger for onion rings. That dipping sauce makes things a little better. Not much, though.

As I drove to Asheville, and later spoke with Wendi about the whole matter, I was feeling kind of bad at maybe not being more charitable. Until she said she'd heard the same thing from someone else! So boo on them! They're just pissing off vegetarians everywhere with their no-burger lettuce bomb chew toy, so bah. No second chances for them, unless I get a free coupon or something.

Bottom line, Burger King. Boca's got it. Morningstar Farm's got it. You ain't got it. Back to the drawing board. And quit buying your ingredients from Home Depot.