| 3 april 2002 | like a dragon, only minty So Danny comes over to my place and sticks his hand in his shirt pocket. "You have to try these things!" No, actually I don't. Let me see those. In his hand is a small, wintergreen-reeking tape dispenser. "That's nice, Danny. Yes, you can borrow my hair gel, and let's go already." I figured it was scratch and sniff, or you know, just SNIFF, tape or something weird that one of his students had given him. "No, try one! It's a breath mint thing!" "Is my breath bad? I just brushed! Ack!" I became concerned. Danny was about to bounce off the walls. I was afraid he might forcibly stick the stinky tape on me, or pop a vein in his head. I took a strip and laid it on my tongue. I don't remember much of the next five minutes, but I am certain the words "ow", "holy sh*t", "hot", "Call Mom", "water", "you suck", and "help, water" were involved. It turns out that he has officially spent too much time in the impulse buy lane of his local grocery store. And money, because he just blew two bucks on Listerine CoolMint Pocketpacks Oral Care Strips. Edible cellophane. Saran wrap for your tongue, only hotter. Kill a few taste buds with Listerine! And you wonder why I never succeeded in advertising. Obviously, Americans are now not only too busy to tie their shoes (we slip them on or zip them up), but we also don't have enough time to finish an entire breath mint. You remember, those old-fashioned "hard-candy" things? Ye olde Tic Tac? Nooo, now we're laying a piece of tape on our tongue that disintigrates into kissy freshness at warp speed. It cleans! It freshens! It takes out the trash! Halleliuah! So the product is described as such: it dissolves instantly (that's true, then it leaves an uncomfortably hot film). It kills 99.9% of odor-causing germs instantly (which I think is a bunch of hooey, but lacking mouth slides, I'll defer to Listerine's minions.) But here's my favorite: "Discreet, works quickly, and you can use it anytime/anywhere". RIGHT! You can smell this stuff from across a dairy farm. "Hey, Zeke, you been a-poppin the CoolStrips? It doesn't smell like cow for acres." Word to the wise, don't use these things in an elevator. Or, for that matter, a building. Unless all the windows are open. Every single one. Frankly, Listerine CoolStrips scare me a little bit. They're not candy, but a "starch-based film impregnated with Listerine's ingredients". THAT IS DISGUSTING! This is the best that their marketing team can pull out of their butts? "Film?" "Impregnated?" Criminy, why don't you just list the ingredients? Oh, but wait--they do! Ingredient number one: pullulan. Please raise your hand if you've heard of pullulan. Did your mom give YOU pullulan as a treat for being good? No? Right, because moms don't reward their children with a glucan that is principally composed of maltotriose units joined by alpha glucosidic bonds, synthesized by Aureobasidium pullulans. I would definitely think twice before locking lips with someone whose mouth was full of this gobbledygook wintergreen dragon breath snot strip. Do yourself and the rest of us a big favor. Brush regularly. Floss. Pop Tic Tacs. Chew gum. Rinse with Listerine. Call Roto-Rooter. Whatever it takes, but Listerine CoolStrip Minty Blah Blah Tapey Things are just flat gross. If you're just dying to purchase some, go ahead and test them on non-mouth surfaces. If you find an alternative use for them, contact me. Ten bucks says they corrode metal and/or repel insects. Hey, now that's a thought. Heeeere, buggy buggy... Made by Listerine |
