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9 march 2002

the second half of the whitestrips review. snazz up yer pearlies for spring.

kimmy buys a new car

At the car dealership, everyone wants to be my daddy.

"I won't steer you wrong, you know what I'm saying, hear what I mean, get my drift? Between you and me, we just got hold of this baby, and it won't be here tomorrow. The previous owner was a 90-year-old blind woman whose seeing eye dog drove her to church and back each Sunday, and to the Piccadilly Cafeteria on Wednesday for Puree' Night.

"I have a daughter about your age...

"Now, you're getting a real deal here, and it's in your best interest to protect it. Between you and me, today only, we can warranty this baby until the second coming of Christ, or until Hell freezes over, whichever comes first.

"Financing is available! With your $3000 down, we'll give you an air freshener and a cup of coffee for your trade. All I need is your social security number, phone bill, power bill, pay stub, mother's maiden name, a lock of hair, and some blood. Your cats do tricks? You bet you can use them as collateral! Please pee in this cup.

"The paperwork looks good. We now just need the name of five references of people who can always find you if we can't.

"Wait just one moment while we make copies of your driver's license, registration, insurance, and thumbprint. Our tarot reader will be in shortly to chart your astrological forecast and read your palm.

"You remind me so much of my daughter. Do you have a boyfriend? Who's your daddy! Can I get you a drink? Does Pumpkin want a CD player? Let's make beautiful music together. Let's drive off into the sunset together! You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...

"Your car is green like your eyes...I look forward to a long relationship with you....

"Now, if you could just sign here, here, here, here, and here. And here. Here's my card. Here's the keys. Your check has cleared. Thank you for your business. Now, go home. Shoo. It's not you, it's me. Let's be friends. I'll call you at 60,000 miles. I swear it."

Phil and Michelle had the baby! He's cute, he's cuddly, he's ready to be gazed upon by your admiring eyes. Congratulations! This is going to be one cool kid.