2010 was the year in which I became a toddler’s mama. Why I bothered to compete in a post-pregnancy 5K is anyone’s guess, because I run a 5K everyday. Between Toddlette and teenagers, I’m fitting nicely into my jeans. Getting to know Toddlette as she grows into a full-on person, I often stop myself to just watch her, to savor the moments. She knows her own mind, is affectionate, loves to laugh, and knows how to make us laugh. I can look at her from across the room and say, “Do you know what?” and have her in hysterics. Nothing gives her greater pleasure than to respond to, “What’s that smell?” than by raising her foot to my nose. She’s a one-woman show, and I’m enjoying my front-row seats.

2010 also saw me reading more than I had in awhile. I won free subscriptions to Ode Magazine and The Economist, and cannot put down the latter! I’d get a hold of great online articles from time to time, but the full print edition cannot be beat for thorough reporting from around the world in all areas of the humanities. Rarely have I read something from which I consistently learn so much from so many. These, along with our Smithsonian and Harper’s and Star Magazine (shut up) subscriptions, keep it lively and informed around here.

I also decided to pursue a Masters of Liberal Studies degree this year. Nothing else to do, right? Right. The program is great, as I can do one course each session, many of them online, and even get the reading lists a session ahead to get a jump on all the reading. Even the handbook for this program is filled with interesting essays and academic tidbits, such as “great reading lists for a liberal arts education”. It’s a good degree for those of us who kinda fling our arms open to the world. In my own teaching practice, I boomerang what I am learning right back to the kids, so it keeps me interested and (I hope) interesting.

Life is good. You?

All is well at Chez Lioness Den. I’ve much to share.

I’m on Facebook (Kim Holzer-Lane) and Twitter (lionessden) if you want the pithy version. Otherwise, I’ll update soon. Cheers.

I mean, come on:

There’s a year-maker if ever there was one.

I was thinking about our lives these days, and turned my attention toward our home. As Lucy Bella crawled on the floor, once again aiming for the cat food (I’ll take that parent of the year award now, thanks); I felt very happy about our home. One of the greatest compliments that people can pay us is when they come over to watch the game, and then fall asleep on the couch or recliner. Or dig into our fridge. Or just comfortably be as the sun floods in for that 2:00 restful time.

No one will ever leave our home marveling at the spotlessness of the place. It ain’t. No one is going to describe it in big Archetectural Digest strokes of vaulted-ceiling wonder. There are enough artworks and photos on our walls to qualify as additional walls. Any interior decorator worth her salt would schedule us for an intervention immediately.

But as our friends meander over on quiet afternoons, or as Lucy Bella scoots herself into every imaginable corner; Lug and I have quietly promised ourselves that these doors are open to all who care to visit. If no one ever talks about the stuff in, or the condition of, our home; I think we’ll be okay with that. If they remember the moments spent here, if we can look into our living room and watch kids playing the Wii during sleepovers, if (yet more) rain and mud gets tracked in, if someone kicks over the cat food bowl (again), Lug and I will consider all of this a house well-lived. Like a heart, alive only when it’s full and moving.

Mhm. That and swine flu a-hunkering down in my knees, awaiting its opportunity to attack. I think I’m sick so rarely, that I forget that’s how viral things always begin with me: cant-stand-up-sore knees. My doctor said viruses like joints. They’re warm and subversive.

So Monday rolls around, and suffice it to say that I had to clean up the walls at one point. ‘Nuff said there. Dehydration was setting in by that afternoon, so I was off to the doctor’s office. They made me wear a mask (presumably to keep their walls clean,) and ushered me to the back within minutes. The receptionist seemed less than interested in handling my insurance card. “We’ll take your word for it. Welcome.”

Quick exam: confirmation that I was miserable, running a fever, and mad at food. Shot of phenergen on my dignified side. Sleep and relief for many hours. Whir of Mammaw and Lug taking over with Lucy Bella, with me intermittently nursing her so she could get antibodies for this nonsense.

Luckily, GI stuff usually passes pretty quickly with me, so I’m on my feet again today (Thursday.) Cautiously eating soup and avoiding strenuous anything until probably next week. Not enjoying the irony that I had a flu shot appointment next week; not enjoying that at all.

Previous to the invasion of Hamthrax, my 20-year reunion was fantastic, as was the 10-year one. If you’re in high school and reading this, remember to vote for the senior class president who is most likely to organize the good reunions. No joke; this is the biggest job this person will have, with the most lasting legacy. Jeanette was our class president all four years, and deservedly so. She’s always been down-to-earth, intelligent, and friendly. She’s also a loyal person who honors where she came from and with whom she grew up. It shows in the way she organizes these events. Our reunions have been two-day events, in which we meet at the Friday night football game, then again on Saturday for a family picnic and then a more formal evening event with food and dancing.

The 20-year reunion was fantastic, if different than the 10-year. At ten years post-graduation, most everyone is still on their way down the path. I was still a couple years away from becoming a full-fledged teacher and was still living in Chicago, and most of us were still single. This time, most everyone was married, and in many cases have quite large families. There were multiple alumni with three, four, and five children. Rachel and I had most recently given birth to babies, while several classmates were preparing to send their oldest to college and the military.

We had a lot more to talk about than just high school, which was nice.  I suppose outsiders would look at us and say, “Yeah, you’re 20 years out of high school.” But to one another, I kept saying (and hearing) the words, “You haven’t changed a bit.” And that was a good thing. Even after all these years, we were able to recognize the twinkles in one anothers’ eyes, the distinctive senses of humor, and the laughter.

We saw a lot of change for the better, too, and a pervasively good sense of humor about the whole “getting older” thing. All in all, everyone seems to be taking it in stride, which is really the best example we can set for our own children. Yeah, we go to bed earlier now. And yeah, it takes us a few to get fired up in the morning. But we can laugh about it, and will hopefully continue to do so.

Lucy Bella was with Mammaw that weekend. We missed her. Expecting that, we took a little pocket album of photos with us. That helped to ease the twinges. Getting home helped the most.

We began our day early, about 7:00 am, with nursing and breakfast. Then I bundled her into the new jogging stroller for our three-mile wog (walk-jog….YOU try pushing 25 pounds of baby and stroller while running.) This is a rite of passage for both of us; I’d been wearing her in the Snugli for our walks, but my shoulders couldn’t hold Miss-Longer-than-Many-One-Year-Olds anymore. I felt lucky to have exercised with her as long as I did, but this pinched nerve in my shoulder finally did me in. Today’s weather was perfect: cool and sunny. I played some music on the Blackberry for the both of us, and she talked periodically to me and Grover as we strolled along.

We got home in time to finish some chores, then sit down and watch “Sesame Street” together. She got so excited when she saw Grover and Cookie Monster on today’s episode. I guess they wore her out with the letter S and the number 10, because she ended up napping for 2 and 1/2 hours.

Lucy Bella and I happened upon something new a couple of weeks ago. Years ago, before our little family came about, I had read about how primitive tribes toilet train their children. It was in the New York Times or something, but I remember thinking how sensible it was that kids were not kept in diapers until they were nearly four. The article wrote of simply watching your child’s bathroom cues, and then taking them in to do their business.

It made sense because, really, what kid wants to sit in their own mess–even for a short time? So, at the moment Lucy Bella shows me her Winston Churchill face:

I take her into the bathroom and let her sit on her Sesame Street seat. Within five minutes, mission accomplished with big smiles. She seems a lot more comfortable with this than she does the alternative. It’s not quite what you’d call “training,” since she still wets the diapers and can’t get herself there alone. I guess you’d call it “acclimating,” but she seems pretty excited to take this little step toward independence.

So, you know, did that a couple of times today.

Then, an errand. I had to return a pair of too-big pants to the store, having overestimated my postpartum girth after all this clean living and intensive exercise. Lucy Bella is fun to take places. I never put her in the stroller; I usually just carry her in so we can talk and she can see stuff better. But today was special, because she’s started to grab my face and do her version of kisses. Most observers would call it gnawing, but it’s sloppy and affectionate so we’re going with kissing. She made some new acquaintances; people are always stopping her to marvel at how alert she is with those big, bright eyes. Such an expressive little flirt.

Back home, and Daddy’s home so that she can play on her belly some more and tell him about her day. I let her watch in the kitchen as I prepare and freeze some new batches of food for her. This week, I’m introducing her to fresh, locally-grown green beans and zucchini. She watches as I prep, steam, puree, and then pour her food into the ice cube trays. In two short hours, I can usually make about a month-and-a-half of fresh food for her that she has enjoyed very much so far. We don’t have anything against prepared baby food, but we wanted her from the beginning to fully taste real food. I’ve tasted baby food, and it’s so bland. We want her to know how robust food can be, and that it has different textures even when it’s pureed. Believe it or not, preparing her food has saved us tons of time and money. When I get down to a week or two of food, I take a couple of hours and prepare some more.

The only thing she’s not wild about is peas. She’ll eat them if I mix with squash or yams. I can’t say I blame her…not a fan of peas myself. The green beans went over a little better tonight.

I clean up, and hear more laughing with Daddy in the living room. He heads off to his softball game, and we have bathtime, which is always preceded by her naked baby dance to one of a few favorites on the Ipod. Spash, wash, baby massage and one more trip to the potty.

Nurse, back pats, cuddle and grab face for more gnawing kissing.

She’ll likely sleep through the night. It’s been a big day. Tomorrow, off to get a vaccination. She’s got a face for that, too.

She’s just heaps of fun. Can’t you tell? With each day, it becomes even more fun to do stuff with Lucy Bella. As we get little whispers of fall to shoosh away the sweltering dog days, I’m again able to take three-mile walks while wearing Lucy Bella. She likes those, especially this week; they take her mind off of the teething discomfort. Most days, though, they give us a chance to chat. She gets to feel the rhythm of walking and see the neighborhood. Quietly, I hope that she is beginning to see that Mama and Daddy include exercise and eating well as a natural part of their lives. As well as I can, and based on her willingness, I want to include her on my daily walks, jogs, or yoga sessions.

As a part of that, I’ve been introducing her to the water for about a month. Not swimming, but just water enjoyment and comfort. I used to teach those Mommy and Me infant swim classes when I lifeguarded at the Y, and use some of those techniques with Lucy Bella. With someone at her stage of development, it’s all about comfort. Swimming will come; right now, I want to take advantage of this fearless time. We visit the pool about twice a week, play, and then I put her into her little floaty boat and whirl her around for awhile. She loves it.

I mean, really…what’s not to love here?

Three months is a big milestone for many babies. It’s around this time that most parents see the newborn-ness fall away, and baby’s personality begin to emerge. In our case, life has become a little bit more predictable, a bit more rested, and a lot more fun. Lucy Bella has always been an interesting, interested kid; but now, we see her really reaching out to engage with life. Last week, she began to laugh when I swung her over and over, then zerberted her belly. She can’t get enough of that, and I don’t get tired of hearing her giggle.

She and I are usually able to get out each day; we don’t have a schedule so much as we have a loose routine. We go for walks with her secured to me in the Snugli. I visit local art museums with her, where she can look at new shapes and colors while I narrate what she sees. When we go to the store, it’s less about buying stuff than it is to tell her the purpose and/or necessity of items. I put her hands on a variety of surfaces so that she can understand that things feel different. We have a weekly playgroup where she can begin to interact with other infants her age, and where I can have great coffee and conversation with terrific mothers I wouldn’t have otherwise met.

Lucy Bella’s started to pluck the strings of her pink ukulele, and likes music. I have a bathtime playlist on the Ipod to give her a sense of consistency, and she also likes it when I play guitar and sing to her.

Already, she’s a talker. As the pediatrician sat down for our last appointment, Lucy Bella looked square at her and clearly said, “Hi!” I’m not sure that she understands the purpose of “hi,” but she does say it sometimes, and not in a babbly and repetitive way. She does seem to use it as a greeting, always with a big smile.

We continue to successfully nurse, which Lucy Bella and I both enjoy. I’m so glad that we stuck it out through the difficult first month of breastfeeding, which NO ONE is lining up to tell you the truth about. I was talking with another mom yesterday, and we were laughing about how the reality of nursing a newborn doesn’t seem to be written in much detail at your local bookstore. Between “Breast is Best” indoctrination, and chapter after chapter of magic and bonding and all that hoo-ha, someone needs to just lay it out straight.

The reality for most people is that, of course breastfeeding is best. We’ve known this since the late 60’s. It really does promote a bond between you and your baby that is difficult to describe, but wonderful to have. HOWEVER, my advice for that first month is to find your happy place and go there during each feeding. Buy lanolin cream, and use it. Hook up an IV next to your feeding chair. Being your baby’s food source is exhausting, painful (at first), and dehydrating for awhile. Don’t kick yourself because you’re not feeling the magic described in the nursing book right away. It’s a big adjustment for anyone, as your body is not your own for a long time. It has been, in our case, well worth the initial discomfort. Lucy Bella is a healthy, growing baby with an agile mind and happy disposition.

So here’s the other thing no one is lining up to tell you. Have yourself an infant, and the world begins asking you, “How is she sleeping?” And I guess I can understand everyone’s concern for our peaceful slumber, but no one ever asks, “How is she awake?” Lucy Bella’s pretty consistently sleeping through the night with one or two feedings, and she’s always been a good napper, so yeah…everyone’s getting some rest. We want to enjoy our awake time, which frankly,we find a lot more interesting.

We took Lucy Bella to the beach last week, which she seemed to enjoy a lot. We even got to dip her in the ocean a couple of times. After the initial splash, I think it’s safe to say that she liked it a fair bit in her super-cute baby bikini. If these first three months have showed us anything, it’s that the next three are going to be a heap of fun. Think good thoughts for us, hm?

* * *

Life with Lucy Bella bounces along nicely. Lug and I are getting to know her, and learning that she has definite opinions and preferences. I learned the “lite” version of this lesson when I started teaching, but I really see it as I become further acquainted with my girl. That lesson being, so much of who we are is wired into us. When it comes to the most basic components of our personalities, we are who we are. It took me a long time to realize and appreciate this about myself. As it turns out, I really am a lot like my Dad…and that’s a good thing. Patient. Gentle. Optimistic and slow to anger. Eager to learn new things.

I can see that my daughter has come by herself honestly. I want her to enjoy every part of who she is, the Mama and the Daddy pieces of her, and never to deride any part of herself. It’s one reason I’m keeping a handful of scrapbooks that document our family, so she knows who she is, how she got that way, and that we’re pretty happy with how things are turning out.

Lucy Bella is wired to be…well, a little bit wired. She is alert, and I do not mean awake. I mean, you’d better be paying attention, because she is. Everywhere we take her, people stop us to comment on her big eyes and the fact that she’s quite aware of what’s going on. She makes, and sustains eye contact. She’s friendly, and will talk to friendly people. If you can decipher, “Blergh ga SQUEEE!” and respond appropriately, then you’ve just made a pal for life.

From the outset, I’ve been wearing Lucy Bella because I didn’t want her to be a container baby. I want her to be part of my life, and to see the world while being as upright as possible. Turns out, that works for her. She’s not a particular fan of being strapped into the car seat and lazily watching the world go by, even in a comfortable stroller. No, siree. Upright. Naptime? Upright!

Luckily, Mama’s got a strong back.

She’s also very affectionate. Most activities take place within one foot of Mama or Daddy. While she enjoys exploring her world, she also seems to like the warmth and play-by-play narration that we are happy to provide. There is certainly no lack of affection coming right back at her. She’s growing close to Mammaw and her aunts, uncles, and cousins; and we want her to really know her family in all of their diversity. We want her to have the different conversations and experiences that Lug and I can’t have with her.

Her parents are doing pretty well at making life interesting so far, though. Today, we visited the North Carolina Ukulele Academy and got her first instrument, a beautiful pink wooden ukulele. I’ve gotten a couple of songs down on it, and soon I’ll be able to hold the chords while she strums. She’s up for just about anything. Seems that she comes by it honestly.

Happy Baby

Today, I visited what is going to be our new pediatric practice. I’d originally selected one that is fine, but this one–wow. Head and shoulders above what I’d expected, AND I teach with the pediatrician’s husband. The nursing and reception staff is terrific, they have a reputation of meeting appointments on time, and the doctor took an appropriate amount of time with Lucy Bella. I was very much at ease, and Lucy Bella was a big fan. She laughed and talked the whole time with her caretakers, which told me that we’ve found a place for her to grow up.

So…vaccination time. All the books, all the hype, all the fear has not deterred me from one simple reality: I don’t want my child contracting 19th-century diseases. We happen to live in a pretty liberal corner of North Carolina, where some people liken vaccinating your child to giving them rat poison. Because of my significant history of allergies, the doctor is happy to follow a delayed schedule and limit the number of injections during each visit. Instead of bimonthly injections this first year, we’ll be visiting monthly to make sure we closely monitor any reactions. She’ll only get one jab at a time, which seems fair enough. And, we’re delaying a few of them until right before she goes to school.

I mean, really–Hepatitis B? We’ll do our best to keep her off the hard drugs until at least kindergarten.

Here’s something else that no one tells you, unless you’ve got them tied up under harsh interrogation: breastfeeding during the first month-and-a-half is like having one of your arms chopped off. I can understand why something like 70% of Americans give it up before three months have passed. Here’s what the nursing book needs to tell you:

• Don’t bother wearing a shirt for the first four weeks of baby’s life. She’s hungry.
• Don’t plan on lifting anything with two hands. She’s hungry, then she’d just rather sleep on the midnight snack.
• Install a water fountain next to where you feed the baby. You’ll be very thirsty as long as you remain the food source.

If you can fight the good fight, though, and enlist the support of a good lactation consultant; it does get easier. It gets a lot easier. The painful part of it goes away, you learn how to breastfeed while walking around if you need to, you grow accustomed to doing it occasionally in public. I’m glad that I stuck it out. Lucy Bella’s chances of having the allergies that I’ve dealt with are greatly minimized. I’m protecting her (and me) from several cancers, the risk of diabetes, and I’m transferring my immunity to her. My immune system’s “memory” of all of the germs that I’ve ever fought in my life are being passed to her. That’s huge, and entirely worth the occasional ouch or inconvenience.

Aside from all that, there is something to be said for the bonding part of it. When she’s fussy, a good feeding can often calm her enough for naptime. She isn’t necessarily hungry; she just wants to curl up in a warm corner of Mama.

So far, all is well. We got her first percentile printout from the new doctor. Lucy Bella is well on her way to the WNBA: 93rd percentile in height, 55th in weight, and83rd for head growth. I’m not sure why they do the head growth one, but I’m glad my kid won’t have THE biggest head in class.

And sleeping! We’re getting consistent three-to-five-hour stretches in there. Pretty good for a young, breastfed baby.

More later. Someone’s hungry.